Wait and See
To be honest, at this point I just want to walk away from all this for a while. But I feel like after sending up flares last week to ask for help, the least I can do is tell everyone what I know now. Thank you for all your kind words, advice, and support.
I went to Kansas City last week. I’m now back in Portland. It feels like it was generally an unnecessary trip–no one I spoke to in Kansas City in person was necessarily unreachable by phone–but at the time it felt like there was a present danger to my brother and I didn’t know what else to do.
Glen is in jail. After taking off all his clothes a second time last weekend, he was admitted to a local psychiatric care center, where he proceeded to make advances against another patient. He was arraigned for Sexual Deviancy and Forced Sodomy.
Susan L. Dill, who you may remember as a vocal supporter of Mary Beth in my previous post, has been selected to represent Glen in court.
My hope is that Glen’s actions last week will be the final straw that allows Jackson County to recognize that he is a threat to himself and others and needs to be incarcerated or committed for a long time. Ideally at least five years, which would give my little brother time to reach legal adulthood without Glen as a direct threat.
My mother remains in denial about Glen and her history of enabling behavior. I have spoken to several people who were familiar with Glen even before he and Mary Beth were an item. (They worked in the same mental health care facility.) It was apparently rumored at the time that Glen had been assaulting patients. As an administrator, Mary Beth would have been privy to that information.
In addition, Glen was accused by other patients over the years of sexual assault. Mary Beth was aware of these accusations, if not the acts themselves.
That this all occurred before I was abused hurts me deeply. That my mother refuses to acknowledge her role in facilitating the actions of a sexual predator for over two decades compounds that hurt.
Yet even if she were as naive as she claims to be, the fact remains that even after Glen was prosecuted for abusing me, Mary Beth begged me to allow him back in the home, then refused to act when I told her that Glen continued to make advances against me. However you slice it, Mary Beth has been a party to years of abuse against her own family and those around her. Knowing something of her own family history and the abuse therein, it is my belief that she is dealing with issues of shame and denial so profound that she has put her own comfort above the safety of her family, as well as putting dozens of other children in harm’s way.
Unfortunately, simply being an accessory to abuse isn’t illegal, nor is it grounds to remove my brother from her care. In short, I’ve been told that until something actually happens to my brother–he is attacked, abused, or kidnapped–there is nothing that the state can do to remove him from the home.
I’ve been told to “wait and see,” which leaves a feeling of crippling helplessness. I am worn down, tired, and angry. But for the moment I am powerless, except for my ability to put what I know out in public, warn everyone in the community of the situation (something Mary Beth continues to refuse to do), and hope that my brother will be able to survive the immediate physical and sexual threats if Glen is released–and approach the inevitable psychological challenges that are inherent as a child of two mentally unstable adults.
Richard
Joel,
Oh man – I was a bit worried by the tweets you’ve been posting, now I understand a bit more about what’s been going on and where your mind is at…
I hold you in great regard – despite not knowing you personally but through your work – and your monumental post last year about Glen.
Please know that there are many, many people out there hoping for some kind of “successful” resolution to the situation with Nate, and that your strength is inspiring.
You are very far from being alone, even if it’s in an undefinable online world of support…
Big hug from south London all the way over the Atlantic to ya xx
Jan 24, 2011 @ 5:12 pm
Rob Beschizza
Good work. You’ve done what you can and made sure that everyone knows that you and outsiders are watching. If anything more happens, there’ll be no excuses for those who had the power to prevent it. And the fact you’ve gone this far makes it less likely to happen at all.
Jan 24, 2011 @ 8:10 pm
Bat21
What Mary Beth did isn’t illegal but she is liable. I detest lawsuits but a class-action lawsuit may be your best option now. Glen is completely dependent on her. Forcing her into bankruptcy would severely undermine their position.
Jan 24, 2011 @ 9:38 pm
Alicia Tarancón (StyxaT)
You are NOT powerless! Man, you DO have power! This is your brother, yours, and only yours. And you know that what you are doing is right.
You are fighting as much as you can to protect him, and I can see from your words that you are determined to never give up. We all know the system is not going to protect your brother as it should. But your energy is. You must stay on your feet for him to keep growing and become a good man, as you have done.
And you will manage to do so. Oh, yes, YOU WILL.
Take energy from your friends whenever needed, I am sure that they are all holding you up if you are ever about to tumble.
Probably you didn’t need this comment at all, but just in case, my energy is also here for you. If you ever feel your batteries are down on dangerous levels, my email is always opened for you, and I really mean it.
After all, this is what the on-line comunity is for. I am a normal person like you, behind this post and a crappy keyboard.
Keep it up man, I really look up to you.
Jan 27, 2011 @ 1:18 pm
Cara dB
hey
got here via Penelope Trunk. You don’t need more advice from strangers but that’s never stopped anyone on the internet before, right?
So this is what I wanted to say: to an abused child, the presence of even one caring and compassionate adult in their life can make a huge difference. Can be a teacher, a friend’s parent – whatever. Just giving a child something solid to contrast with the crazy-making lies and pretense that’s rampant in abusive households can be a big relief.
So I think that just by talking about this, and by showing up in KC for your brother, you’re doing more than you realize. I guess I would urge you to let the stuff with your mother and stepfather and the courts work itself out without your help, but concentrate your energy on reaching out to your brother and being a consistent presence in his life.
Hopefully that’s helpful, or at least not irritating. I have two older sisters who have been incredibly important figures in my life. It’s not like they had the power to give me a good childhood, but they gave me insight that what was happening was wrong and bad – that kind of validation is powerful. Don’t underestimate your ability to help your brother with that.
Feb 18, 2011 @ 6:15 pm
K
Hey, just stumbled upon this, don’t want to say how. But I was just dumbstruck by it. You’re not alone in your feelings. I still don’t really know what happened between my parents and I to make me feel the way I do, but your words rang a bell in me, and it’s terrifying.
There’s a tree near my house, a pretty young tree. It would have been normal, except it grew near a chain link fence, and the tree grew right through it. You can see the diamond patterns spread across its bark as it’s grown, even though the top is long past the fence. There’s a big, knotted scar all around its trunk, but it grows as the tree grows. And it kills me every time I see it. It reminds me that childhood trauma isn’t done or over just because we grow up. It becomes part of you, grows in time until it’s one of your defining features. What can you do? You can’t go back in time to give yourself a better childhood. Does therapy help? Can you cut that bit of fence free? I really don’t know. I hope so, because I’m going to try it myself soon.
I’m so sorry. It probably doesn’t help to know there are others, lots of others, who feel as fucked and frustrated and helpless as you. But it’s real, you’ve said something true, and you should feel proud for finding a way to say it. Thank you.
Feb 19, 2011 @ 4:03 am