There’s a tree near my house, a pretty young tree. It would have been normal, except it grew near a chain link fence, and the tree grew right through it. You can see the diamond patterns spread across its bark as it’s grown, even though the top is long past the fence. There’s a big, knotted scar all around its trunk, but it grows as the tree grows. And it kills me every time I see it. It reminds me that childhood trauma isn’t done or over just because we grow up. It becomes part of you, grows in time until it’s one of your defining features. What can you do? You can’t go back in time to give yourself a better childhood. Does therapy help? Can you cut that bit of fence free? I really don’t know. I hope so, because I’m going to try it myself soon.

I’m so sorry. It probably doesn’t help to know there are others, lots of others, who feel as fucked and frustrated and helpless as you. But it’s real, you’ve said something true, and you should feel proud for finding a way to say it. Thank you.

got here via Penelope Trunk. You don’t need more advice from strangers but that’s never stopped anyone on the internet before, right?

So this is what I wanted to say: to an abused child, the presence of even one caring and compassionate adult in their life can make a huge difference. Can be a teacher, a friend’s parent – whatever. Just giving a child something solid to contrast with the crazy-making lies and pretense that’s rampant in abusive households can be a big relief.

So I think that just by talking about this, and by showing up in KC for your brother, you’re doing more than you realize. I guess I would urge you to let the stuff with your mother and stepfather and the courts work itself out without your help, but concentrate your energy on reaching out to your brother and being a consistent presence in his life.

Hopefully that’s helpful, or at least not irritating. I have two older sisters who have been incredibly important figures in my life. It’s not like they had the power to give me a good childhood, but they gave me insight that what was happening was wrong and bad – that kind of validation is powerful. Don’t underestimate your ability to help your brother with that.

You are fighting as much as you can to protect him, and I can see from your words that you are determined to never give up. We all know the system is not going to protect your brother as it should. But your energy is. You must stay on your feet for him to keep growing and become a good man, as you have done.
And you will manage to do so. Oh, yes, YOU WILL.
Take energy from your friends whenever needed, I am sure that they are all holding you up if you are ever about to tumble.

Probably you didn’t need this comment at all, but just in case, my energy is also here for you. If you ever feel your batteries are down on dangerous levels, my email is always opened for you, and I really mean it.
After all, this is what the on-line comunity is for. I am a normal person like you, behind this post and a crappy keyboard.

Keep it up man, I really look up to you.

Oh man – I was a bit worried by the tweets you’ve been posting, now I understand a bit more about what’s been going on and where your mind is at…

I hold you in great regard – despite not knowing you personally but through your work – and your monumental post last year about Glen.

Please know that there are many, many people out there hoping for some kind of “successful” resolution to the situation with Nate, and that your strength is inspiring.

You are very far from being alone, even if it’s in an undefinable online world of support…

Big hug from south London all the way over the Atlantic to ya xx

It’s worth considering. It can be done.

/me rubs hands methodically

it stuns me to try and process that you went through so much, joel, let alone that the issue continues to reopen in this way. i’m so sorry for it, as useless as it is to say something like that.